Annabel's Blog - Life Coaching Tips

Setting Boundaries = Extreme Self Respect

The term personal boundaries gets bandied around a lot in personal development and coaching circles. Its meaning isn't always clear and the concept can be a bit confusing, but the more I think about it the more I believe that it's all about respect. Respect for yourself and respect of others.

Here are some great examples I've encountered recently which might help to illustrate what boundaries are all about:

I have a friend who I know on both a personal and a professional basis and I called him at home one weekend to discuss something related to business. His response was unexpected. He said that he was really sorry, but he and his partner had a rule that they didn't discuss anything to do with their business on their home phone. He was thoroughly nice about it, but asked if I could call him back on Monday at work.

At first I felt quite taken aback by this but after I had recovered from the surprise I was really impressed at the strength of the boundary he and his partner had drawn around them. Work was work. Home was home. And even though they knew many people who crossed into both worlds they had made a very definite decision not to let work infiltrate into their home space and time.

A brilliant example of boundary setting.

And here's another. A few weeks ago I did a coaching consultation with someone who was telling me about the bold steps she had taken to respect her needs and her boundaries. The way she had achieved this was to choose to let go of all the activities that no longer served her. This was all about saying "no" to those things she had taken on and which were now eating into her valuable personal time. Being prepared to say "NO" to things that no longer serve you is another crucial part of setting strong boundaries. By saying "no" you're effectively saying "yes" to yourself.

Setting boundaries is all about making choices which respect yourself, your needs and your personal space and time. Once you're clear about what this looks like you need to let others know what's acceptable or not - just like my friend did with me. This doesn't have to be confrontational - just clear. I now know what his boundary is and will take pains to respect it. The interesting thing is that - even though it might feel uncomfortable to say "no" to others, or to make it clear what your boundaries are - more often than not you'll find people respect you all the more for it.

Procrastination that Pays

Read any article on how to overcome procrastination and it will inevitably include the advice to 'do the thing you're putting off first.'  I'd love to know how many procrastinators EVER actually do this.  Telling a procrastinator to do the thing they're avoiding first is like telling someone with arachnophobia to pick up a tarantula - it's just not going to happen!

I was thinking about this the other day as I raced to meet a looming deadline, giving myself a hard time for not having started the task days, if not weeks ago.  Surely that would have been so much more sensible?

And then I reconsidered.  There's a reason why procrastinators leave things to the last minute.  Deadlines are wonderfully motivating. When we have no other choice, the adrenaline kicks in and we set to our task with energy and determination and will, in most cases, get it done.  I was enjoying the rush of doing things at the last minute; I was highly focused and determined and I got lots done in a very short space of time. I sometimes wonder what's actually more stressful: the act of leaving things to the 11th hour or giving ourselves a tough time for doing so?  

I know it goes against all the received wisdom out there, but my question is: what's wrong with the strategy of working to tight deadlines?  Maybe the sensible thing to do is to Plan to Procrastinate? 

I accept that there are dangers inherent in this strategy. What if you have a really important deadline and your plan to tackle the job at the last minute is foiled by an unexpected illness or family emergency?  Equally, it's true that living on adrenaline isn't healthy.  But how would it be if we accepted that that's the way we naturally do things and stop beating ourselves up for it?  How might that change things?

Never Ever Give Up!

Lang Lang is one of the most successful pianists of his generation.  He performed before an audience of four and a half billion at the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics.  He sells out concerts wherever he plays and is beloved by audiences world-wide.  He was a child prodigy and extraordinary talent - yet he almost gave up playing the piano when he was nine years old. 

This morning I listened to Desert Island Discs and was shocked to hear him recount the appalling story of how he was told by his piano teacher that he had no talent - that he would never make it and should give up playing the piano. So distraught was he by this rejection (and his father's harsh response to his 'failure') that he even tried to destroy his hands by hitting them against a wall.  It's truly shocking, and awful to think that this phenomenal talent could have been extinguished and stamped out before it had the opportunity to flourish and be appreciated in the world. 

If there was ever an example of how vital it is to persist in the face of criticism and rejection then surely this is it.  Lang Lang was told he wasn't good enough and advised to quit playing the piano.  The original Harry Potter manuscript by J.K. Rowling was rejected umpteen times before it was finally published and became an instant best-seller. I believe that James Dyson faced criticism and rejection many times over before his vacuum cleaner was manufactured and was a runaway success.

Is there something you love and feel passionate about doing but you've given up because of negative comments or rejection by others?  Is it actually any of their business?!  Persist.  Go for it. Whatever it is, we need it! 

Feel free to leave a comment and let us know if there's a dream you've let go of ... Maybe you've had an idea and it's been cricitised or dashed by others...  You'll find support here.   

Life Support

A few weeks ago I went for a walk with friends on the Purbeck Peninsula. The day we picked for our leisurely walk happened to coincide with a race along the coast path.  Anyone who has walked any portion of the Southwest Coast Path will know only too well how steep and daunting it can be and so this race looked really challenging.

At various points along the route there were strategically placed groups of stewards whose job was to show the runners which direction to take and to make sure that nobody took a wrong turn.  As each runner approached these check-points (many clearly flagging and looking exhausted by the rigour of the race) they were cheered on by the on-lookers.  "Well done!" "Keep going!" "You're doing really well!"  Just these simple words of encouragement had an instant effect on the participants. They seemed to gather energy and strength from the support and no matter how knackered they were, for a moment they all managed a smile and no longer looked quite so exhausted. 

This served as a reminder for me of how incredibly important support and encouragement are in our daily lives.  If only we had strategically placed groups of people to spur us on, whether we're battling with delivering a key presentation at work or struggling to learn a new piano sonata.  

It's the reason why I run support groups and why I feel so passionately about them. 

Are there people in your life who support and encourage you?  Do you do this for others? 

The Miliband Conundrum

After it was announced that Ed Miliband had won the contest for Labour leader a heated debate started in our household.  Should Ed have run against his older brother?  By doing so he effectively scuppered David's chance to hold the office he had coveted for so long. 

Discussions like this can shine a light on what's important to us.  Its not just a matter of politics - it's a matter of values.  The more I thought about it the more I leaned towards the argument that he shouldn't have run - but that's because for me "family" is always more important than "ambition".  But others think differently.

Being clear about our values is a key building block in creating a happy and fulfilling life. Knowing what's really important to us, and staying true to that, makes life choices and decisions so much easier. 

Are you crystal clear about your priorities and what's truly important?  If not, write a list of all the things that are important to you. You can then score each one against the rest.  For example, if you have "family" and "financial success" on your list ask yourself: if I had to choose one over the other which one would I choose?  Is 'family' more important than 'financial success' or vice versa?  Whichever one wins, give it a mark. Carry on down the list until you've scored each item in turn and then add up the scores. You should end up with a clear list of values.

Do you think Ed should have run?

Life Laundry

Several years ago there was a show on British TV called The Life Laundry.  It was a programme dedicated to helping people who desperately needed to declutter one or more rooms in their house. The premise was simple: rather than wading through masses of stuff and trying to sort things out whilst surrounded by all their clutter, the team removed absolutely everything from one room and put it outside in the garden.  The person then had to decide which things they would choose to bring back inside.

This is a great tip for anyone who needs to have a really good clear out.  Need to sort out some drawers?  Take everything out, put it somewhere else and sort through it there - only bring back what you really need.  Ditto something like a filing cabinet.  Take the files outside and sort through them there - you'll find you can be much more ruthless.  Again, the key is only to bring back what you really need.

As with any decluttering, before you start it's important to have suitable places ready to put the stuff you're sorting through. Designate a box, bag or specific area for rubbish - sell - give away - recycle - return - repairs - in transit to somewhere else - charity shop - keep. 

The Life Laundry principle can be used in other ways, too.  It's a great tool for prioritising. If you're feeling overwhelmed with too many projects or things to do, write each one down on a piece of paper.  Place all the bits of paper on the table so that you can see them all.  Then pick them up and put them face up on the floor.  Take a long, hard, penetrating look at everything you've written down.  Do you need all these activities in your life?  Are they all serving you well?  Can some be dropped or delegated?  Are some extraneous to your needs?  Are they shoulds rather than wants? Choose which ones to pick up and put back into your life. 

Reasons to be Cheerful

At certain times, particularly when life is throwing a series of ugly challenges at us, it can be very easy to dwell on all the problems, difficulties and negatives and to forget - or take for granted - those aspects of our lives which are working well for us.   
 
When best-selling author Jinny Ditzler (Your Best Year Yet) and her husband were going through a rough time, they used to get together one night a week, open a bottle of wine and take turns making toasts for the best things that had happened the previous week.  She writes: "Even in the worst weeks, there are those little miracles and things to be grateful for. It makes such a difference to remember to focus on how lucky we are rather than on what a struggle it all is."
 
A couple of years ago I was going through a difficult time in my own life and finding it hard to focus on anything positive, let alone find much to give thanks for. I was talking things through with my greatest friend who is a spiritual counsellor in California, and she recommended the following exercise which I found challenging but immensely helpful ...
 
WEEK ONE:  Every day write down one thing that you do well / feel good about / like about yourself AND one thing you feel grateful for.
 
WEEK TWO:  Every day write down two things that you do well / feel good about / like about yourself AND two things you feel grateful for.
 
WEEK THREE:  Every day write down three things that you do well / feel good about / like about yourself AND three things you feel grateful for.
 
A cinch, you might say...  Yes, but the catch is that you aren't allowed to repeat yourself AT ALL.  Not in the same week - or at any time in the three weeks! 
 
If that exercise feels a bit daunting, here are a couple of other tips to keep you focused on the positive:
 
▪ Make a list of at least 20 things you currently feel grateful for.  This may take some thought, but if you persist you'll be surprised at what you can come up with.  
 
▪ Keep a daily "Gratitude Journal" where you sit down at the end of each day and write down all the things you feel grateful for. 
 
Maybe it's something to do with getting older, or the crazy world we live in, but these days I find myself constantly giving thanks for the small and simple things in life. It's astonishing how focusing on the positives can lift the spirits and enhance your sense of optimism and well-being.

How to Beat Procrastination - Stop Getting Distracted

If you're a procrastinator you'll know how easy it is to get distracted from the task at hand. If there's a gnarly task or project that needs to be done, seasoned procrastinators will find pretty much any excuse to avoid having to do it. 

In my experience one of the worst forms of distraction is that BING sound from your computer, alerting you that a new email has arrived.  How much more fun it is to stop what you're doing and check to see who's emailing you ...  then you may want to click the link they've sent you which takes you to a website ... and then another ... and then to U-Tube and before you know it you've managed to waste an hour of your precious time.  It's easy to do - we've all done it.

The solution?  If you're serious about getting stuck into a task simply disable the function that alerts you to new emails or turn off the sound on your computer. It's a highly effective way to help you to take control of your time.